3 Things to Consider When Taking Over for Mom and Dad

Many of us are used to going to mom and dad for help or support while we are growing up.  We know that they will be there for us and many of us don’t think about or plan for when the roles change.  As our parent age tasks that they have been able to complete for themselves for as long as we can remember become harder to do and some nearly impossible.  While every family will be dealing with a different situation may of us will become a caregiver or support to our parents eventually.  If you are rounding the corner into this phase of life here are 3 things that you need to consider.

               Your parents have invested the majority of your life being the person to take care of you.  Being the strong and stable people in your life no matter what happened.  The sudden (or gradual) shift from them being the care givers to you caring for them can be the hardest part of aging for many.  Many aging adults feel a sense of failure or that they are becoming a burden on you and your life.  One way to help make a transition more comfortable is to remember to protect their dignity.  Even in extreme cases where dementia or Alzheimer’s are present your parents will still have moments of being fully aware.  Instances like chatting with other family members about their problems while your parent/s are in ear shot can be very damaging.  Another way to protect their dignity is to help them but not completely take over.  For example: if it takes a long time for your mother to get dressed and you just take over to get the task done more quickly that can have a huge emotional effect on your mother.  Encourage them to do everything that they can on their own, even if it takes more time or gets done in a way different from how you would have done it.  Also allow your parents to be involved as much as possible.  When planning family gatherings or even just cooking feeling included will go a long way to retaining their dignity.

               There is no doubt that when you start to become a caregiver to a parent your relationship dynamic will change.  This is where most parents have a hard time making adjustments.  Allow them to still “be your parent” as much as possible.  While you may be taking over most of the tasks of running their house or even personal care it is important to plan time or activities to still let them have the opportunity to feel as though they are still adding value to your life.  One great way to do this is to include them in activities that they love or have influenced you in.  If your mother loved to cook but cant stand up for long periods of time to help you.  Still bring her into the kitchen while you cook and talk about what you are doing.  Ask your parent to tell stories or share memories.  Not only will you be spending quality time with your parent but this will also give them an opportunity to feel a bit “back to normal.”

               The third and largest thing to consider when you are becoming a care giver to a parent is your time investment.  Many times we become a caregiver completely by accident as our parents need more and more help over time.  We rarely sit down to map out what spending hours each week taking care of someone else will do to our home and work life.  Imagine right now if you needed to find 10 hours in your schedule to take on a new project.  You can’t cut it out of work hours, your kids still have activities and needs, and you need time for yourself.  When you start venturing into the role of caregiver you need to plan out what adjustments need to be made ahead of time.  Also if you take a good look at what you can commit to you will be better prepared to bring in other help, such as one of your siblings, or find ways to make things in your life more streamlined too free up sometime.  Typically, caregivers grossly underestimate the amount of time that will be spent caring for their parents, managing their finances, running errands for them, and being a supporter.  Over time the caregiver cuts all their personal time out to make everything fit and this leads to resentment and burn out.  If you just plan out how much time you have to give you can find solutions to help make everything fit such as hiring some help to come in and do light housekeeping and laundry or using a service to manage both their and your monthly bill paying.