3 Things No One Told You About Living With An Alzheimer's Parent

Upon first hearing that your parent has Alzheimer’s you will be given loads of information and resources to help you deal with the reality that is Alzheimer’s and also try to help you cope.  While I agree this material is (and probably should be) written to shine a positive light on how your life will now change there are some realities that someone who hasn’t been through it personally can’t (or wont) tell you.

1.      They may hate to shower.  Just imagine how scary it is to wake up in a place you don’t know where you are and with someone you don’t know.  That is what waking up with Alzheimer’s can be like each morning.  Pretty scary huh?  No imagine that person that you can’t remember wants to strip you naked in a cold room and spray you with water.  TERRIFYING!!  Most of the fear that comes from showering has to do with the unknown and since your parent may not remember that they are in a safe and familiar place or that you are a safe and familiar person it makes sense that trying to take off all their clothes may be unsettling.  If you have a loved one who hates to bathe or shower try these tips to help: Make the bathroom warm and inviting, adding a plush rug to the floor so their bare feet aren’t on the cold surface, if they have music that they remember or seems to calm them play that, try not to get frustrated and stay calm.  If your parent hates to bathe it can be a difficult and somewhat smelly situation.  Just be grateful that your parent doesn’t lean “the other way.”  Chasing a naked dad down the street is much, much worse!!

2.      They will get angry with you.  If you are the primary caregiver for your loved one there are times that they will be furious with you.  They are confused and since you are the person that it seems is “doing this” to them you will be the brunt of the anger most of the time.  This is something that most people aren’t warned about in the doctor’s office.  There are no pictures in the brochures of a caregiver in tears but it will happen to you.  If someone just lets you know that this is normal it does make it a little easier.  When you take the things that your parent is saying, or yelling at you personally and attach it to the feelings you have for your parent it can be very hurtful.  You must remind yourself that what they are saying to you is out of fear.  They are afraid and can’t make sense of what is going on.  Since you are there they are relating you to the current situation and hence saying things that they DO NOT mean.  If you are having a hard time with your parent being angry give yourself a break.  Go into the other room for a while to cool off, plan for someone else to be available in the event you need to take a walk or go for a drive, or even look into adult day cares.

3.      The last thing that may make it into the brochure but in a “rose colored glasses” “altered perspective” kind of way is that these and other struggles will make you cherish and appreciate the good moments more.  The hard times will be hard but if after a long day of difficult moments if you get a glimpse of your real parent you will hold onto it so tightly.  If they rub your arm and say your name, or sing along to an old song you two used to listen to, or even just give you a long overdue hug it will mean much, much more. 

I hope that this list gives you a few things that you won’t find in the suggested reading material for coping with a parent who has Alzheimer’s.  I also hope that if you are on this journey you have found a support system of people and of services.